I was 14 when I mouthed my first cigarette. I thought it was cool and sexy or something. I belonged, but my God it was dirty. The pain I felt when I inhaled, and the stench on my fingers. I always saw my mother smoking.
She had this thing with yellow and white that flashed back and forth, and that’s how she made cigarettes with her own tobacco. I watched it every day, and it went on all day long.
After smoking for a while when I was 14, I stopped because otherwise we wouldn’t get a driver’s license, was the message from my parents… No idea if my mother still smoked at that time, my father did, I remember he smoked cigars.
After I stopped smoking I really had an anti-feeling, I couldn’t go in rooms with smoking people and I still have that feeling.
Later I got a boyfriend who at first said I smoke, but I’m going to stop. Unfortunately, he didn’t, but that gave me the chance to discover what smoking actually does.
I noticed that when we were engaged in conversations or in love, he would quickly reach for his cigarette after being with me for a short period of time. Before he went to the cigarette he got a little nervous and after smoking it he felt great again.
Of course, it made me insecure, I initially thought is this just me? But later I noticed, and he also indicated that the nerves stopped when he was on the cigarette, he had so many problems, he said. I also looked at what’s in a cigarette, but that’s not wrong either. Pure tobacco is a different story, but the cigarette you buy contains so much more.
This is also an addiction because the trauma is not processed, and we do not feel a connection in ourselves, so we reach for cigarettes.
There is so much beautiful in connection I myself have never started smoking again because I feel that it is not good for my lungs and my cells either, but I now understand why others do it and for that my judgment is gone.
I sometimes find it sexy with men, but with a certain kind of man with a tattoo and long hair… I also have my weaknesses… Still imprinted from the past… 🙂